i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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