I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
