marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
