If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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