you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
