If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Green mimosas i think yes
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
