Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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