I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
