I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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