I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
