just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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