i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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