Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It was confusing and full of hummus
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
