Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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