Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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