Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
