My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
