Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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