You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Is it penis luge time yet?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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