if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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