If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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