I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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