I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
