Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
