and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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