You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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