sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
