toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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