Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
