she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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