We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
