I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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