meet me or not, i'm out of control
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
