Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
