Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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