one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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