I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
