I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
