wakey wakey hands off snakey
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
