So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
