I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
