she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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