one two three fourrrrnication!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
