John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
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