He kissed a someone with a penis
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
