Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I need water and some morals
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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