at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
