Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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