When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
