she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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