i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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